vow of silence

I feel like throwing up. I am so sick of what I say being taken the wrong way.
Things that sound perfectly innocuous to me are really taken as darts or whatever
I can't take much more of this. And this time with people I don't even know. After having doubts about whether I would be able to fit in overseas in an expat community teaching english or with the other english teachers. What if they like to party or aren't geeky and weird like me? I don't want to have people being nice to me out of sympathy or just leaving me out, I want to be able to get along, to make friends who like me for me when I go. I can't stand this anymore everyone do you HEAR ME I CAN"T STAND IT. NO MORE. Everything I say comes out wrong. Everything I do is seen another way. There is NO MORE.
I am ready to take a fucking vow of permanent silence.
Problem is I know I wouldn't be able to keep it.
fucking damn my brain, my adhd, and everything else.
I hate myself right now.
Fucking dammit.