Out of a twisted whirlwind
I had a dream about a friend of mine last night. I never stopped loving her and she's always been one of my best friends as close as a sister to me. Several years ago she stopped writing or communicating with me until I emailed her one day and received back a one line note reading "LEAVE ME ALONE!" With no warning, this hit me in the gut. Fast forward to now. Last night I have a dream about this girl and it was a joyful dream. She came to say she had forgiven me (for what? who knows I don't even know as I did anything wrong actually) and we were friends and she had come to visit me. Obviously a great dream. I woke up incredibly disappointed she wasn't really there and haven't been able to get the thought out of my head. Fast forward to about 30 minutes ago. I started talking to my boyfriend about the situation as we were laying around he was half asleep I was thinking 40 million miles a minute as usual. I started telling him about this and I began weeping uncontrollably with the depth of hurt and anger this woman put me through until I realized....it wasn't just about her. It was also about a woman who left me when I was 17 years old. A woman who I repeatedly began sub-vocally screaming "I HATE YOU FOR LEAVING ME I HATE YOU TOO! She must have hated me so much for leaving...." What a monster? Her or me? It was my mother I was talking about who died of cancer when I was a senior in high school. Will I EVER be done with this shit? huh?!
posted by Leyla Tov @ 9:28 PM
2 Comments:
I get it.
Your loss came at such an incredibly difficult time too...
Do you think we get done? Or do we just get... something that is not done, but is not undone?
What is there really to be done with? Life always continues. No matter if we want it to or not. Sometimes the loss of a good friend is something that will give you strength, if you allow it. Sometimes one walking away from us allows us to grow in ways that we could never have imagined! I have such a short attention span I often forget how valuable the person was to me. But I then just think that life has gone on, I have found new friends, loved ones, and more people who love me. I had a boyfriend that meant the world to me. He was my everything. He was first in my life. When he broke-up with me I thought I could never go on. I spent months trying to get him back. Now I am so very happy that he is not connected to me! I have met some of the most wonderful people due to he and I detaching. Heck I would not have met you!
I guess a short comment long, keep your head up! Better things are to come. All you have to do is enjoy the great moments, love the good moments, and forget about the bad ones. They do not really matter that much anyway!
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