Chotzeh Vakochavim Miklat

sigh.

2010-02-12T03:10:00.001-05:00

Isaiah 28:7
7 But they also have erred through wine, and through strong drink are out of the way; the priest and the prophet have erred through strong drink, they are swallowed up of wine, they are out of the way through strong drink; they err in vision, they stumble in judgment.

treasure house

2009-08-11T05:51:00.001-04:00

"Blessed is God who uses corporeal objects continually to draw us close in a symbolic way to a knowledge of God’s invisible nature. O name of Jesus, key to all gifts, open up for me the great door to your treasure-house, that I may enter and praise you with the praise that comes from the heart.

O my Hope, pour into my heart the inebriation that consists in the hope of you. O Jesus Christ, the resurrection and light of all worlds, place upon my soul’s head the crown of knowledge of you; open before me all of a sudden the door of mercies, cause the rays of your grace to shine out in my heart.

O Christ, who are covered with light as though with a garment, who for my sake stood naked in front of Pilate, clothe me with that might which you caused to overshadow the saints, whereby they conquered this world of struggle. May your Divinity, Lord, take pleasure in me, and lead me above the world to be with you.

I give praise to your holy Nature, Lord, for you have made my nature a sanctuary for your hiddeness and a tabernacle for your holy mysteries, a place where you can dwell, and a holy temple for your Divinity."
==St. Isaac of Syria==

For some reason the words treasure-house delight and intrigue me. Locks and keys and things that go click /snick have always fascinated me ever since I was a very little girl, as have any kind of jewels/treasure/stones etc...so sue me i am a jewelry designer and glass artist I like shiny. Bezalel is still one of my favorite bible characters excuse me!
I think it's time to remember again what they are.
I wonder what the Lord has for me in his treasure-house.
I am delighted that we worship a King who delights to GIVE us the key and the treasures of his treasure house! It makes me remember one of my favorite parts of Prince Caspian by CS Lewis...where the children rediscover the treasure-room at Cair Paravel the castle by the sea in Narnia where they reigned in Narnia's Golden Time as Kings and Queens together...
"do you remember...do you remember this,....do you remember?"
Do I remember?
I think I've forgotten my treasures.
Time to go back and remember.
Ah the key...the name of Jesus and a gently pointed reminder to return to my commitment of praying the Jesus prayer regularly. i saw new treasures come from that. let's see what He wants to show me now from His collection. (pictures God eagerly opening up a chest of beautiful things and showing me what he wants me to know next wow thanks God!)
I hope that imagination is of him.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me...a sinner.

awesome

2009-06-03T02:15:00.001-04:00

"When despondency seizes us, let us not give in to it. Rather, fortified and protected by the light of faith, let us with great courage say to the spirit of evil: "What are you to us, you who are cut off from God, a fugitive for Heaven, and a slave of evil? You dare not do anything to us: Christ, the Son of God, has dominion over us and over all. Leave us, you thing of bane. We are made steadfast by the uprightness of His Cross. Serpent, we trample on your head."
St Seraphim of Sarov

I heart Orthodoxy I believe.

2009-05-03T07:37:00.002-04:00

This is a quiet journey still in uncertain stages.
Very tender yet, very hesitant very uncertain. I do not go blindly into new theological concepts but with much trepidation but faith in the Lord to take my hand where I find thorny and knotty problems and the remembrance that if the witness of the Spirit in me does not approve I have simply to turn it aside and turn to what is True.
Wondrous in it's discoveries.
What it will further give birth to in my spiritual walk and labors
I don't know
but I can't wait to find out.
Here is a wonderful quote by St. Dimitri of Rostov
"Open, O doors and bolts of my heart, that Christ the King of Glory may enter! Enter, O my Light, and enlighten my darkness; enter, O my Life, and resurrect my deadness; enter, O my Physician, and heal my wounds; enter, O Divine Fire, and burn up the thorns of my sins; ignite my inward parts and my heart with the flame of Thy love; enter, O my King, and destroy in me the kingdom of sin; sit on the throne of my heart and reign in me alone, O Thou, my King and Lord."

TO the giddy obnoxious convert -snerk giggle-, you know who you are. I love you so much thank you for introducing me to this strange and wonderful tender trepidacious leg of my journey called Eastern Orthodoxy. I love it.

Christos Anesti everyone. There is hope indeed.
And I'm still alive because of it.
You know I literally mean it.

even then

2009-03-28T20:29:00.001-04:00

Hold on to what is good,
Even if it's a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe,
Even if it's a tree that stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do,
Even if it's a long way from here.
Hold on to your life,
Even if it's easier to let go.
Hold on to my hand,
Even if someday I'll be gone away from you.

-A Pueblo Indian Prayer

Clock Day

2009-03-08T08:01:00.002-04:00

I suppose this is worthy of clock day and how nature always knows better than man in many ways.

This morning I wake up. The cat is already moving around stretches and I'm like no way she can't be hungry already. I ignore the plaintive little pitiful mew as the cat sits on the bedrail. I look at the clock on my phone, 6:33 am, holy wtf?! It's only 6:30 you don't bother me until 7:30am or so usually, sometimes she is different. So I login to the computer and it says.... 7:45. Ok. clockday.

So immortalized in bandwidth for all to read.

Happy Clock Day.
Happy Curse the Cat's Stomach Day?
oh happy day

Bless the Lord oh My SOUL, and all that is within you Bless his HOLY NAME!
Psalm 103

what it feels like sometimes

2009-03-02T04:21:00.003-05:00

ADHD: this is what it feels like a lot of the time

You don't want people bossing you but you want direction.

Is this the answer

2009-02-27T03:56:00.000-05:00

Half Jokingly I submit this question:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/asiapcf/02/25/china.lifeonline/index.html

alright

2009-02-13T22:25:00.000-05:00

Well went to see Coraline 3D tonight VERY good and highly enjoyable. Just totally want to read the book now!

*On a positive note, I looked at my pile of dirty laundry and my roommate's fat cat sniffing it and sighed shooed him out and finally picked up all the laundry I could see and picked up a bunch of trash and threw it away lined up some shoes. My cat is now looking at the floor like 'What's this mommy?' And just generally feel much better about being able to see the floor again.
This is a great thing.

*Today was not the day for beadmaking. I finished one bead. I burned myself twice on the same popped shard. The glass rod exploded part of it hit my sleeve and burned a bit after saying ow I set my forearm down on the workstation and it came into contact with the same burning shard apparently (or perhaps a different one? I didn't see, but I prefer the pathetic irony that allows me to complain about it so it's gonna be the same one) whereby it immediately began to raise a small blister on my skin so I looked like I got bit by a firefly. It just looks like a bug bite now.

yipee.

And the latest charcoal portrait

2009-02-10T00:50:00.000-05:00

This is my first charcoal portrait in almost a year. You may recall the last one was my roommate Matt. This one is of my two dear friends Kyle and Sarah Littlefield's infant daughter, Katy, from a picture they took on their blogsite here:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_2Z1N_ufSA7g/SXpx7vP9t3I/AAAAAAAAA1I/c3FeH7_NYGs/s1600-h/11+18+2008+126.jpg
and since blogger seems to have an upload limit on photos to 8mb
here is the link to the picture I drew:
http://www.new.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=5775173&l=aeaa4&id=900575093
Let me know what you think.
If you want a portrait done (from a picture) let me know.

Win

2009-02-03T07:26:00.000-05:00

Comic Win
http://xkcd.com/331/

reminder to myself from the Ruach through Val

2009-02-02T03:12:00.000-05:00

"He WILL empower you to speak for yourself in a way that is not manipulative, but that IS clear and powerful"

no title

2009-02-02T02:43:00.000-05:00

a tear rolls down my cheek
thief liar cheat
beaten to the floor
I can't get up anymore

you know you are right
I suppose I'm all those things
and more

I'm no basket case no more a drama queen
for 3 whole weeks I made no scene
then I let you push my buttons hence
and now I suppose this makes more sense

thief liar cheat
even though grace is mine
i guess you're right about me all the time

cheap dirt

2009-02-01T06:45:00.000-05:00

WHY am I looking at all of these when I should be going to sleep!
Freaking hilarious.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/697782542.html

The Best of Craigs List

2009-02-01T05:07:00.000-05:00

If you haven't heard of the best of Craig's List I highly recommend for laughter value you check it out. I was curious and clicked on the link not knowing what it was....and ad after weird and hilarious ad came to my amused perusal.
But this one takes the cake. These are not categorized, some are graphic, some are just plain strange.
This one has to be the WEIRDEST ad I have EVER seen on Craig's List....possibly anywhere definitely beating the weirdness factor I posted earlier for posting Glass Frit and selling it with Haiku.
For you viewing pleasure
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/876586707.html
I do warn you this is a want ad for a specific enjoyment.

Haiku Frit

2009-01-31T22:30:00.000-05:00

Ok have I already said how addicted to lampwork glass bead and pendant making I am?
Frit is crushed up glass that you can roll beads in and it melts in and gives you colors or effects or some types.
I have never seen anyone sell something with haiku.
But Susan Sheehan certainly does and her poems are as beautiful as the frit.
This is one of the weirdest and most creative ways to sell something I've ever seen.
And I bet she sells alot of it.
http://phoenixartsupplies.com/products.php?cat=45

options!

2009-01-16T20:04:00.000-05:00

Ok something came to me as I slept ...today . It is basic but when you are in a mire it makes a difference. I have OPTIONS! I don't HAVE to go to Taiwan to teach English if I don't want to or I can if I like. I can go someplace ELSE if I like. OR I don't even have to teach english there are other things out there to DO and other places to GO. I just know I want to GO somewhere. So instead of WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW I am again energized by the fact that I have
OPTIONS!

Sleep? Who needs sleep!

2009-01-16T06:13:00.000-05:00

I don't need sleep no not at all. The fact that I am trying to get myself back into a normal sort of sleep schedule isn't helped by the fact that I'll go to bed and can only stay asleep for 4 hours. Isn't THAT nice. So I get up for a few hours then try to go back to sleep. Trouble is, for instance, at this moment I'M NOT TIRED.
And all these lovely questions start running through my mind with all this time on my hands saying "Maybe you don't really want to go teach in Taiwan do you?" If you don't want to do that What DO you want. And nothing springs to mind. Going to medical school springs to mind only because I have been watching old episodes of Doogie Howser and talking to one of my best friends who is at medical school. Me and med school probaby wouldn't get along to well. It's not even that I don't have stuff I could be doing.
So why the heck am I not doing it? I don't know folks.
I'm starting to feel isolated which I suppose is my own damn fault. I could go to temple or church, I can go to the studio. But I don't. The only people I've talked to this week face to face are counselor (who is in Vietnam for Chinese New Year for a month) and my two roommates and the cats. That is really sad. I went to see my adopted fam last saturday which really cheered me up and helped me feel good. So I know I need to see some people. quick. This is just getting ridiculous. One does not live on internet, computer programming, books, or sleep alone.
Fine maybe I sound pitiful. Whatever. It's dumb. How indeed did Paul learn the secret of contentment?
I'm so silly. Don't get me wrong I love having this time to prepare for going to Taiwan but it's a big job to break it down even to figure out how to get the cat there, when should I go? Will I have enough money to tide me over until the first paycheck? Will I even get accepted?! If not this then what?!
Gack.
pitiful

Finding Jesus

2009-01-13T14:00:00.000-05:00

Just to funny not to post

more animals

untitled

2009-01-08T01:25:00.000-05:00

will you even mourn
I have my doubts

But how the hell should I know.

arachnid

2009-01-07T14:52:00.000-05:00

a poem on nature:

I am a spider
I spin beautiful webs
Yet when you approach you are stuck
in sucked in
then drained of life

Doctor Who mathematics

2009-01-04T01:37:00.000-05:00

My friend Matt and I are Doctor Who fanatics. Upon the release of the name of the new Doctor Who, Matt Smith, today we realized a disturbing trend. With each new regeneration of the Good Doctor his appearance has become younger and younger and younger and younger...etc. Anyone else notice this?
I have prepared a graph here indicating these findings:

From William Hartnell on down to Matt Smith, if these findings are conclusive we will have a Time Lord using his sonic pacifier to pacify Daleks in about 10 years.

Not the real ages of the actors.
Lolz have been changed to protect the innocent.
Any resemblance to any Doctor Who living or sealed in the Time War is purely intentional.

My other vehicle is the TARDIS, baby.

much afraid

2009-01-01T08:02:00.000-05:00

Its back. The depression is back. The fear is there.
I don't want to work because I'm scared of getting burned again.
I'm scared of my behavior in burnout mode, I'd scared of burning out.
I'm scared of not being able to handle the stress, be on time.
I'm afraid of my adhd and it's impulsivity taking over yet again.
I'm afraid of the pitying or scornful looks.
I'm afraid of spilling my guts to total strangers because I'm so transparent yet.
I'm afraid of losing my job if I get one.
I'm afraid of my former employer saying she's a liar don't hire her when all the facts are not known.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of not caring anymore again
I'm afraid of being somewhere I can't fit in yet again.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of being around people who can't, won't, or refuse to understand what I'm dealing with on a constant basis.
I can't stand it anymore
It's killing me inside.
i'm so afraid
i'm so very much afraid right now that I don't know if I want to handle it.
I don't want to.

vow of silence

2008-12-13T03:32:00.001-05:00

I feel like throwing up. I am so sick of what I say being taken the wrong way.
Things that sound perfectly innocuous to me are really taken as darts or whatever
I can't take much more of this. And this time with people I don't even know. After having doubts about whether I would be able to fit in overseas in an expat community teaching english or with the other english teachers. What if they like to party or aren't geeky and weird like me? I don't want to have people being nice to me out of sympathy or just leaving me out, I want to be able to get along, to make friends who like me for me when I go. I can't stand this anymore everyone do you HEAR ME I CAN"T STAND IT. NO MORE. Everything I say comes out wrong. Everything I do is seen another way. There is NO MORE.
I am ready to take a fucking vow of permanent silence.
Problem is I know I wouldn't be able to keep it.
fucking damn my brain, my adhd, and everything else.
I hate myself right now.
Fucking dammit.

follow up to DHMO

2008-12-13T03:28:00.000-05:00

and for any of you who have forgotten your high school chemistry and thought about actually writing to your congressman...don't
DHMO Di Hydro MOno Oxide is water.
H20

take action now!

2008-12-13T03:27:00.000-05:00

Let me know what you are doing to prevent the spread of this terrible substance!
"This is no joke but a call to *BAN* dihydrogen monoxide, otherwise know as the invisible, killer substance. Jupiter Scientific's science joke webpage is probably not the place to post this protest, but the JS staff feels very strongly about this issue. For your information, dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO) is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO in its liquid form, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes tissue damage and contact with its gaseous form causes burns. DHMO use is widespread. For those who have become dependent on it, DHMO withdrawal means death. DHMO can be an environmental hazard: it is a major component of acid rain, contributes to the "greenhouse effect", leads to the erosion of natural landscapes and hastens the corrosion of most metals. Being so prevalent (quantities are found in every stream, lake and reservoir), DHMO contamination is at epidemic proportions. Despite the dangers, DHMO is often used as an industrial solvent, as a fire retardant, in nuclear power plants and (can you believe this) in certain food products. Companies dump waste dihydrogen monoxide into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. STOP THE HORROR NOW! The American government and the United Nations have refused to ban the production, distribution or use of this chemical due to its "economic importance." The navy and certain other military organizations are highly dependent on DHMO for various purposes. Military facilities receive tons of it through a sophisticated underground distribution network. It is also stored in large quantities for military emergencies. BUT IT'S NOT TOO LATE! You can help. Act *NOW* to prevent further contamination. Write your representatives. Start and sign petitions. Send e-mails. Inform your friends about the dangers. What you don't know *CAN* hurt you and every individual throughout the world."

beatings

2008-11-30T13:48:00.001-05:00

I'm tired of constantly being berated for trying to help. I'm tired of being berated by people near me in proximity. Fuck you.

Feomode

2008-09-20T02:09:00.000-04:00

I was getting creative with the merge function in my photoshop program. If you can guess who the images are let me know.

becoming falsereal

2008-09-19T23:20:00.000-04:00

I think I am about to become something I'm not
Does that make me fake
or does it mean I will become that which I should
become

We are all becoming and changing
therefore are we really not being what
we aren't?
or are we.

biting the bullet

2008-09-09T20:26:00.000-04:00

I bit the bullet and after panicking paid 328.50 for my independent jewelry study for Jewelry III. I still haven't heard from the prof of the previous sales class if I can still turn in my paper. Can someone shoot me with valium. please.
I hate budgeting for myself it gets overwhelming because there is worry attached to it. I tell you what if anyone out there wants me to do their budget for them and they are willing to do mine consulting together I think we have a winning idea.

Labrea

2008-09-06T13:06:00.000-04:00

I can't stand it anymore
but I have to. If I leave I'll be 'selfish and self centered' and leaving people in the lurch when we all promised not to do that to each other.
I'm a 'liar' and a 'fucking asshole' and 'selfish and self centered' and I 'run this place just look around (perhaps in reference to the fact that I own things that are in our house?!). It was admitted to me that I can't make this person happy and they don't like me. I can't make them happy no matter what I do because I AM me and only me.
me, I.
what else am I suppose to be they?
I'm stuck.
and I'm drowning.
and often feel like I'm dying of someone's malice at their whim.
can't let them into my mental space. ignore them. ok.
perhaps it would be better if they didn't have to deal with me.
if no one had to.
i'll go live in the fucking northwoods that suit?
I take myself with myself wherever I go.
It is a constraint I must live with.
When someone is repeatedly talking about cat poo and I ask them to please stop because it's getting gross and then I am told 'then walk away' while i'm in the midst of doing something ....this person is acting 3.
I'm so tired of this.

Crazy Loon

2008-08-25T23:55:00.001-04:00

Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

again

2008-08-23T21:10:00.000-04:00

I can't do anything.
I can't hammer solder flat without hammering my finger
I can't make my budget work even though I have enough money because the due dates of all my bills. On top of that oil is going up to 396/month. I pay half of that plus rent.
I can't make a bezel stick.
I can't do anything right.
I swear I want to give up.
I don't give a flying flip anymore.

day 2 the energy automaton will she sleep tonight?

2008-08-15T00:41:00.000-04:00

I feel like an energy automaton. Getting things done but very apathetic.
Day 2 of taking the strattera at 6 pm. I still feel pretty apathetic although I am

utilizing my energy and getting massive amounts of things done.
Today I nearly finished and started making janet's pendant which is something I've

never done in one day before or even 2 for that matter. I made a scratch Maryland

gingerbread cake. and I didn't get on the computer at all after I got home from work. I

did play some Wii. But it was intermittent. What I've come to notice is that the I feel

90% better as far as energy and the really bad depression is concerned. However, while

I am getting many things done I'm still having to really PUSH to make myself do it. I

still feel very apathetic about what I'm doing. The best way to describe it is I'm no

longer taking any joy in the processes of things and the wonder of the fact that I can

actually get it done like I was before. EVERYTHING feels like work now and drudgery. I

don't feel that enjoyment in the process of doing ANYTHING. The only thing I can stand

doing that I take enjoyment in the process of is reading for pleasure. I come to

understand that part of the great pleasure I got in making jewelry in the first place

was the pride in not just the finished product...but the making of it....being able to

say I DO have these skills and that sets me apart from many other people making me

special in a certain way. Now I don't care. I had to force myself to finish as far as I

got tonight. I just don't care. The joy in the journey is gone for me and for me, it's

ALL about the process of GETTING there not the ends. The end product is just a nice

byproduct of all the fun you had getting there. But I can't feel that right now. Not in

anything except reading which is pretty much an immediate gratifier since the process

is the means to the end in itself.

Out of a twisted whirlwind

2008-08-10T21:28:00.000-04:00

I had a dream about a friend of mine last night. I never stopped loving her and she's always been one of my best friends as close as a sister to me. Several years ago she stopped writing or communicating with me until I emailed her one day and received back a one line note reading "LEAVE ME ALONE!" With no warning, this hit me in the gut. Fast forward to now. Last night I have a dream about this girl and it was a joyful dream. She came to say she had forgiven me (for what? who knows I don't even know as I did anything wrong actually) and we were friends and she had come to visit me. Obviously a great dream. I woke up incredibly disappointed she wasn't really there and haven't been able to get the thought out of my head. Fast forward to about 30 minutes ago. I started talking to my boyfriend about the situation as we were laying around he was half asleep I was thinking 40 million miles a minute as usual. I started telling him about this and I began weeping uncontrollably with the depth of hurt and anger this woman put me through until I realized....it wasn't just about her. It was also about a woman who left me when I was 17 years old. A woman who I repeatedly began sub-vocally screaming "I HATE YOU FOR LEAVING ME I HATE YOU TOO! She must have hated me so much for leaving...." What a monster? Her or me? It was my mother I was talking about who died of cancer when I was a senior in high school. Will I EVER be done with this shit? huh?!

Brigitta Wexler and Israeli Idol

2008-07-12T11:46:00.001-04:00

I'm dying to know what the judges are saying but it's clear she is a favorite with the audience. This young lady is a messianic jew on the Israeli equivalent of American Idol. She was singing Psalm 121 I think in the first video. Not positive. From what little of the hebrew I can understand I think she is from Estonia originally or her family is. Support her if you find anything by her. She is amazing.
http://www.birgittaveksler.co.il/video.aspx

Put up with the slow load times it is SO worth it. Let me know what you think.

because

2008-05-13T23:56:00.001-04:00

Because I need something to cheer me up.
http://www.bloggerheads.com/mash_quiz/

sigh.

poetry

2008-05-02T11:04:00.000-04:00

This is some poetry. First time writing by my friend Bill G. Just got him interested in reading and writing poetry. Not bad for a middle aged man who hasn't written poetry since elementary school.

The air is chilling
The wind is blowing
The autumn leaves are falling
Soon the snow will be falling
On one cold snowy. blowing. day.
-----------------------------------
The moon is shining bright
The stars are twinkling tight
But still it's a vey dark night
---------------------------------

God knows the soul
God knows the heart
God also knows the mind
But can you call him yours?
I can call him mine.
-----------------------------------
you asked me for ten dollars
then you asked me for a dollar
then you asked me for a quarter
then you fretted for a dime
Why?
I told you I have no money.
not even a penny.
-------------------------

And those are Bill's first 4 poems. I'm impressed.

until next time.

Going back to kindergarten

2008-05-01T09:37:00.000-04:00

Ok. So I've learned to solder, forge, cast, pickle, pierce, saw, dap, mill, set, bezel blah blah blah. I've accidentally electroplated a nickel silver box in pickle solution by using steel wire for the spiral hinge I made (gasp a pleasant surprise for me but not necessarily anyone else who used that batch of pickle sorry folks. I made a good bezel for a ruby cabochon then proceeded to melt the bezel in the microtorch. I never did learn when to let it alone. Then I thought of my little blue bag sitting patiently in my studio across the hall from my bedroom. The original tools of my trade. A pair of cheap needle nose pliers, crimping tool, plastic wire jig, dollar flush cutters, spools of cheap but perfectly serviceable wire from Walmart's craft section and trays and trays of beads. At least 5 sectioned craft boxes worth of them. Mostly glass, some metal, mixed in findings a few chinese porcelain ones (not many f those left one recently found it's way to the end of a piece of yarn for a string on my ceiling fan). They have been cat toys as well (wood floor + glass bead = happy cat). They are so versatile but I forgot to make a place for them. It's like forgetting about the finger painting or the crayons from kindergarten and moving up to high school art and using neither anymore.....but some of the best contemporary jewelry I've seen lately uses both...I've been to busy to remember my roots. Time to go back to Kingdergarten and stop feeling like a failure when I mess something up in jewelry class.

Is it a conspiracy?!!!

2008-01-07T16:08:00.000-05:00

This is just getting more and more bizarre. The day that my fish George died one of my favorite clients that I used to work with in direct care last year died. The night before his funeral, the clown fish (see previous post) died. Yesterday night one of my green chromises was beat to death by the damselfish who is turning out to be a bully...and I found out that my favorite client, V. (for privacy) had died Saturday of a heart attack. This woman was not only a client. She was a fellow sister in Christ and I considered her a friend.
Maybe I should stop buying fish.
<><

grr

2008-01-06T21:20:00.001-05:00

mean people suck.

In Memoriam

2008-01-02T19:02:00.000-05:00

I've had my salt water tank a whole 2 or 3 weeks now (there is some time warp in this house no one remembers for sure). The first fish I got was George he died same day I got him from stress. I got a yellow tail damsel fish who is thriving...maybe
last week I got a clownfish that I loved dearly. He was geting weird cottony white stuff on him. Probably Marine Ich. I was worried about him so I had my tank mentor who has been saltwater aquaristing for 5 years go up and take a look at him. While I was down with my roommate talking and trying to figure out why he didn't come down I went up and asked him what was wrong. The clown fish was dead on the bottom of the tank. Face it there are more depressing things in life, but a dead clown fish in the midst of a pms induced post holiday depression... is.....very depressing. Once again I spiraled into sobs and once again I have to work my way through losing yet another fish. Establishing an ecosystem is so fun. How does God do it. Once again I am reminded that He is God and I am not. sigh.

Final Drawing Projects

2007-12-03T00:45:00.000-05:00

So I have a final project, a diptych (series of 2 drawings that are related to one another but can also stand alone), for my drawing 1 class due tomorrow. I decided a portrait of my friend matt looking down at a kid and a portrait of a kid looking over/up at him. So for your interpretive pleasure. Here are grown Matt looking at unknown non-existent kid. By the way. The web cam I took the pictures with mangles the pictures very badly.

Tribalation

2007-10-19T22:41:00.000-04:00

Well this is a new jewelry piece I completed in class it's a pendant. Modern-esque/primitive/tribal stuff. It is made completely of copper all adornments and findings. The half moon is sawn, and the patina is firescale from annealing the metal with an acetylene torch. It turns nice colors. Then it was beaten until the pattern came out with a rivet hammer.

darkness of the soul

2007-09-14T16:12:00.000-04:00

Folks, this may have changed my life. I hope it changes yours. I feel a little less lonely now.
PLEASE read this and pass it on. I will be reading the book.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20070823/wl_time/motherteresascrisisoffaith

It's time to go.

2007-07-28T13:41:00.000-04:00

It's time to go now.
I guess it's been time for a long time.
Not that I will actually leave.
It's still time to go.

Identifying the essence: barely tolerated is what I get.
Tell me I'm wrong.
Please tell me I'm wrong.
I want to be wrong.

I'm just rent.
You spend most of your time criticizing me and yelling at me.
Cutting me down.
You say you don't mean it that way.
I don't think you know you do.

I think I should leave now.
One way or another.
Before I lose myself anymore.
Before I become you.
I can't be you so it will just make me split
with the conflict.
I should leave.
Right now.

'baby you my my blue eyes green' bitchslap

2007-06-01T16:21:00.001-04:00

God, I am so sick of this. Googy eyed couples everywhere. People getting engaged or talking about it. People having babies.

Excuse me while my biological clock go rots from rust.

I'm not in a happy mood. Don't expect it right now.

My apologies to my beloved googy eyed friends. Believe me, you know I love you all but my blue eyes are green.

Eventually I'll be more focused on what I have then what I want. I'll be willing to try. But for today. My blue eyes are green. And I'm sick of trying. I'm sorry.

I tried really I did

2007-05-22T20:38:00.001-04:00

I tried. Really I did. I left an hour early before my appointment. I spent 45 minutes looking for the counselor. I had the directions but MERRY ME I set off without the phone number.
I went home.
Yes, I'll try again. But maybe not the same place I don't know. Things are naff right now. I sold some jewelry out of nowhere today but have stuff I need to work on at work. I'm sigh.
sigh.

excellent

2007-05-20T11:38:00.000-04:00

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6244392868781886952&hl=en

Channel Islands adventure.

2007-05-11T14:04:00.000-04:00

And I haven't even left US soil yet. This is very droll. Last night I got to my gate 2 hours early plenty of time to spare in Harrisburg. Our flight to Cincinnati was 15 min late. Well long story short I missed my connecting flight which left while we were probably about 10 minutes from the airport, London Gatwick. Delta put me up in a very palatial room where business class stays paid for some of my meals and generally made me feel like a queen at the Holiday Inn Airport. I managed to get my flights changed so I'll be there tomrorow instead without to much trouble. The extra night was good. God adjusted some expectations and said to me "You know just because you think your Expectations are good doesn't mean I don't have BETTER expectations, and just because I don't meet your personal limited expectations doesn't mean I won't exceed them elsewhere for something BETTER!" Amen Lord.

i hate it

2007-05-09T21:02:00.000-04:00

I hate everything right now. Especially myself.
It'll pass.
Nothing works.

and of these love remains

2007-04-24T23:09:00.000-04:00

It's time to let go;
let it swell then ebb and let it flow
Things always change
and yet...
love remains the same

Roles are fluid in the human paradigm
constantly shifting flowing through the humantime
but still...
love remains the same

The deep mysteries of the sea
only revealed a wave at a time
that which the storm turns over upon the sands
evenso ...
love remains the same

copyright-- Leylatov 2007

For the last time

2007-04-17T20:00:00.000-04:00

I loathe having had the same conversation with two of the most important people in my life 2 days in a row. For the last time people...anti-depressants nowadays are not meant to be 'happy pills'. There are people who use them that way. The people who don't want to do the work to get better. Who don't want counseling and don't want to get out of the rut depression and anxiety can leave you in. It's too comfortable there. To them...I understand but don't stay there, you won't get much sympathy from me or anyone else. Don't get me wrong I fall back into that from time to time but I at least am trying to get out some just work the system.
To those of us on anti-depressant/anxiety medications that have saved our lives by stabilizing our moods so we don't have to fend off our emotions instead of feeling them and letting them control us to the point of suicidal nightmares.....I say I have been there. And to those of us trying....and working it out while taking them keep pushing despite those...even those who we love and respect misunderstand....keep working keep pressing on. Recovery from and through the depression and anxiety is an ongoing process.
Even for me. Only...literally by God's saving grace.
So for those who don't want to learn and understand about us. That's fine you just go on and sound like idiots. Because sadly enough. We out number you 2 to 1 in todays society now. We don't take it because we like it...we take it because it helps and for some people it helps keep them alive. Just don't bring it up with me again. To those who took time to ask forgiveness for mis-judging and want to learn. You are wonderful I love you.

waiting for the resurrection

2007-04-06T21:26:00.000-04:00

Dad number 2. Who is also like my dad, has been told today he has cancer. Please pray for him and his family. I had a rather prolonged cry and couldn't stop for awhile. I've calmed down but I'm still very sad and upset. Nothing else right now.
How appropriate for Good Friday.
I'm still waiting for the resurrection.

more good

2007-03-12T18:03:00.000-04:00

Ok I'm not going to let one little email get me down even if I did make a mistake. Sorry person I apologize you know who you are.

I started my new job as a case manager last week and went to the gym 4 days out of 5 after work! Looks like it's paying off. After I went to the gym today and broke a new goal (I did each circuit station twice which equals...um 2 circuits and about 600 calories w00t!) I weighed myself
I lost 2 pounds since last week! Doesn't sound like much and who cares if it may be water weight. I'm down to 254 now woo hoo! Each 2 pounds adds up and 4 more of those two pounds equals TEN pounds YAY!

of comprehension

2007-03-11T23:27:00.000-04:00

"I believe though I do not comprehend, and I hold by faith what I cannot grasp with the mind. "Saint Bernard

This is my catch all quote right now. I wait for love. My friend Surfer Boy of Guernsey says wisely "Become the right person don't wait for the right person." One of the wiser things of late that I've heard.

All right so I work the work of healing (thank you Whatspider) since I'm worthy of it through Christ.

Work the work of being a good steward of my body and being myself apart from others but Christ (thank you Matt).

being.
I am roiled up.
being/.

of noise

2007-03-11T18:48:00.000-04:00

I was recently chatting with my friend Simon on Guernsey Island. I challenged him to write a poem about Guernsey and he challenged me to right a poem about noise. Here is the poem about noise.

Of noise

you wrap yourself around me and come into me
into my head like a lover into his loveor
like a rapist into the victim or like even the ...honey I have a headache voices and hums the street the cars honk the ugly words of hate and criticism myselfandothers the rain pattering shushing sursurring softly against the
pavements or words better i love you, you are special, be easy,
i'm hear, you are loved, lovely...so lovely, joy!music...ethereal lovely, earthy heavy, solid, jubilant or all
else!
my ear
the portal to what may be procreated in my brain
the womb of the ear is the mind ,you know, except in reverse
Within the ideas formed from the noise the embryonic explode to
life...lover, rapist, or the indifferent spouse. embraced,
fought, or set aside to filter and drift through the mind to
settle with a sigh into obscure-oncethoughtness to gleam
embraced by the lover enthroned in the seat of the heart to lay
glimmering like a treasure of great price or to be rattled
around like a knife or club in the mind and heart feeling beaten to death like the
rapist power, control, dirty...got you now we have you you can't
escape .....but I can..it's my mind

Silence.

go away

2007-03-04T01:21:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it's just to painful to face someone right now.
I don't want to see you right now. Please just leave me alone. You hurt me.

beaten with a stick

2007-02-21T18:34:00.000-05:00

All right. It all seems to come in deluges does it not? Today I feel like I've been beaten with a stick from the insides. My emotions are bruised as is my heart. Feeling like one of the most important people in your life doesn't give a fig about you and feels perhaps they are stupid for staying involved in your life, getting yelled at by one of your clients (even if it wasn't personal and just transference this is why I am NOT a counselor among other reasons). And just generally feeling like going and walking away from work and jumping into the Susquehanna River (don't worry Spidey I won't). To much to change, to worried about what other people think. It's overwhelming.
Then again.
Why should I care.

impenetrable

2007-01-07T19:19:00.000-05:00

You are impenetrable, don't you know you are hurting me or even care?
In your fantasy world...fine stay there.
You escape (we all do) I suppose to seal yourself away
the winter months cold or not so
dark anyway

I wait, I pray, Impenetrable.

Chanukkah Sameach

2006-12-15T17:16:00.000-05:00

Happy Chanukkah one and all.
I have grated my fingers to the nub to make latkes (potato pancakes). I cannot find my wonderful glass menorah anywhere that I found in a clearance table sale at the drugstore in Greenville where I went to a small Christian college (there is no synagogue for 50 miles in a radius round Greenville).
And no one is home but me and the cats.
I guess it's just me and the felines for latkes. You watch, as soon as the food is done Anna and Matt will come rolling in. Damn I don't have a playable size dreidel either.
Happy Chanukkah.

read.

2006-12-12T17:52:00.000-05:00

http://mission.squarespace.com/-journal/2006/11/24/piano-man.html

Just Desserts

2006-12-12T12:54:00.000-05:00

***Dedicated to Pirate Diego, who has a truly loving heart, from his friend Pirate Angelita, I'll miss you much! Dean Martin.******

In the human services field, specifically Mental Health services direct care, we often say "OH I love such and such they are great!" Whatever. Oftentimes what I think we really mean is "Oh I favor such and such because (when) they don't give me any trouble, stress me out, make me want to beat my head against a brick wall, throw myself under a bullet train coming from Tokyo at 250 mph while cannibals eat my toes, or vomit from the smell when they don't wash for a week, or fill in your own blank ____________. "

I certainly know I've been guilty of this fickle love. The sharks and cacti of this world are MUCH harder to show love to then the nice smelling cuddly sweethearts. In other words those with prickles and teeth are less likely to show you their softer side. If they do you've usually earned it...or unfortuantely from the jaded MH field...they want something...sometimes it's both, who doesn't have needs?

There is a dangerous game you can play in this field called "Just Desserts". I know it well, I fight it all the time as do many other MH care people. Difficult client? Demanding? Rude? ungrateful? Drugs? Lying? It's easy to personalize it...don't play. I'm warning you, don't play this game the only way you can win is by not letting yourself entertain the thoughts. You will become bitter and jaded. You say "My taxes go to support that person and they are buying drugs or drinking or supporting whatever other deletrious behavior that contributes to the general moral dessication of our already sick society. You want to see good people who you see trying to improve their lives get the help they need, after all they deserve it right? They aren't making trouble. They are being quiet and dutiful. We like those kind of people right? And those bad, sick people. Oh wait....they ARE sick...ouch ouch. At least in the MH field you have to remember...they are sick....not an excuse for all behavior, but that's how you depersonalize it. It's because they ARE sick.

While there is Breath there is hope. The Spirit of God breaths in those people too. Maybe my direct care doesn't do good or we drive each other nuts, or I pay to much in taxes. But pray for them I must. If I was to beat the just desserts game back and not give up in despair I MUST pray.

While there is Breath there is hope.

Don't get me wrong folks. I'm not saying I'm still happy my money supports people who don't try. In fact it can infuriate me if I stop and dwell on it to long. The key is though I'm not allowed to give up on these people...or myself. If I do, I'm SINNING. I'm not showing grace. I'm judging. That is NOT my jurisdiction in this life. Only God's.. Because Christ granted me grace and bears with me I have to bear with them as well. ESPECIALLY if they are believers, but even if they are not.

While there is Breath there is hope.

Compassion, for myself, toward difficult people (esepcially toward myself from myself) is rarely born of my own strength. This compassion is born of wisdom gained through the illumination and leading of God's light and truth (Psalm 43 was my meditation today) on darkness creating a definition, depth, and context for the love he wants me to show (notice I DID NOT say feel).

This doesn't just work for the MH field. No no! As I write this I realize God answered a prayer about NOT GIVING UP on people. Other people. People in your own life you know you love but maybe have a hard time loving right now because of a certain way they are acting or not acting.

Remember, while there is breath there is hope. And they can only hold their breath so long.

ticker

2006-12-04T22:37:00.000-05:00

I got a nifty ticker to count down weight loss yay! I did 200 stomach crunches today!

Tin Foil Love

2006-11-30T22:07:00.000-05:00

I am having one of those days. It may have something to do with the fact that I took Benadryll earlier today and I still feel draggy and lousy and now I feel depressed. I am having one of those days. I don't want to work. I don't want to be professional and I sure as HELL don't want to be NICE. I want to go out with my friends and have fun. And that's all I want to do. Tin Foil love. Have you ever accidentally got a piece of tin foil in your mouth that didn't make it off some cooked food? It is not a very nice experience to bite into it. Tin foil is not pleasant to chew. Today I ran into one of my clients that are very hard to love. Tin foil love. And besides being hard to chew, unfortunately I don't think my love was very real. Spare me the sermon I know what I have to do etc. Just venting.
Tin foil is shiny, and cheap, and generally not very strong. Tin foil love is some tough stuff to deal with because it makes you cringe. I don't even know how much sense this makes. Moreover I don't care.

What I love about you

2006-11-13T21:38:00.000-05:00

It's an interesting thing I have been thinking of lately. We complain so much about people we love... Mind you I'm not saying we should see them through rosy colored glasses. There is a difference. And I'm not saying we won't tick off or be ticked off by said people. What would happen if the complaints that generate rifts were turned into praise....I mean really seeing the lovely and beautiful and wonderful things about the people we care for deeply. How would that change the way we treat them? And so for experimental purposes I submit my own boyfriend Matt. Hey maybe I should do this for myself given how mean I am to myself.
Matt is an extraordinarily intelligent and reflective man. I know I can talk about all kinds of things with him from fringe science and physics, religion, food, books, art, whatever. It's likely he may know something about it. If he doesn't he listens to me talk about it. Matt also is blessed with an incredible design eye. He is my partner in Two Sisters Designs, in both making and desiging the jewelry. Matt listens. I can have a conversation with him when I am upset without needing to be afraid of being judged. Matt doesn't settle for second best, he is very particular that things be done well and be done right. Matt is thrifty and knows how to fix what he has and take care of the things he has. He is very handy at saving money by fixing things so we don't have to go buy new ones and is incredibly inventive! I love Matt!

Feel the burn

2006-10-27T14:47:00.000-04:00

Ok so I had 2 free workouts to try at Shapes,Inc. just 2 blocks from my house here in Middletown. I figured I was off today, I woke up with a "THIS is the day" feeling. Prayed about it and took the plunge. I decided to try a 20 minute circuit (that is 1 min on each machine/step platform). I wore my own headphones listening to "Matisyahu" which is a Jewish reggae artist (awesome feel good workout music I might add!) and could still hear the voice saying "switch stations". I shelled out $3 for an Infared Dry Sauna Treatment. So I did my workout and found it winded me pretty good, especially as a beginner (I'm in REALLY bad shape). You can do as many circuits as you want. I didn't do the free weights or nautilus machines, or the elliptical or treadmills they have too. They also have FREE classes for members kickboxing,aerobics, I think also pilates or yoga. Well anyway. I went out to the front and got myself two, thick, big towels to wrap around myself (I didn't know how big they were and I was going to get my money's worth for my $3 I'm not shy but I am modest in most cases and prefer to be covered but I'm NOT going to wear my sweaty nasty workout clothes in a lovely cedar sauna retreat!YUCK! So I step in not sure what to expect the attendant gave me an extra 5 minutes to change and in I go. First thing that hit me was the smell of CEDAR lovely spicy woody cedar. There is a cd player in the sauna you can put your own cd in or just listen to the nature sounds (this was ocean, birds, and the shore ) they had playing. I turned up the ambient nature sound so I didn't have to hear the thumping of the circuit training music outside my little cocoon of $3.00/15 min luxury. It is said that the dry sauna is 80/20 . This means that instead of only losing 10% toxins like in a wet sauna you lose approximately 20% toxins and 80% sweat....you also burn an extra 500 calories. That is a bonus to me. Well in any case, I relaxed....I loved it. It felt just like laying in the sunshine without the UV rays (yay no sunburn!). Definetely a do again. I came out talked to the attendant/desk lady who is very nice. I found out the woman who owns the place is a pastor's wife and the literature lying around the place that you can read and relax with a smoothy are 'inspirational' type things (read Christian) very encouraging! Well I think I already knew I was going for a membership. So I bought a year's membership. Now if I don't use it I'm going to have to kick my own butt because it cost money. But I came out of that workout/sauna feeling more centered, positive, and like a million bucks than I have in a long long time. It was worth the money. I do feel like I've done one of the most positive things for myself in a long time. I get the feeling whenever I go in there that I am doing something postive, nice for myself, and slightly (just slightly) luxurious whenever I do.
Along the same note my goal is to lose 100 lbs. by next October. I know it is possible. I have also been CAFFIENE FREE FOR 2 WHOLE WEEKS!
w00t!
I'll keep my blog readers up to date. Until then FEEL THE BURN!

laugh or cry

2006-10-21T14:56:00.000-04:00

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry about this article in yahoo today. I felt a huge mix of indignation, pity, outrage, sadness.....
It should not be this way.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061019/ap_on_re_us/baptists_speaking_in_tongues;_ylt=Avg0axVQ.50WO.6mIN2bazo7Xs8F;_ylu=X3oDMTBjMHVqMTQ4BHNlYwN5bnN1YmNhdA--

"Seminary leaders have said the McKissic's comment conflicts with the SBC's International Mission Board, which voted in November to ban missionaries from speaking in tongues in private. Previously, missionaries were discouraged from speaking in tongues publicly.

"

And exactly how are you planning on enforcing a ban on missionaries praying in tongues in PRIVATE? Short of straight out asking them.

Read the original Greek people. Sheesh.
Grow up.

Until next time folks.

name

2006-10-08T05:37:00.000-04:00

You used my name to me for the first time in months. Did something I say this week actually get through?
God only not me.
You used my name. Sweetest sound on earth. Even if only to call for me. I don't think I'v eheard you do that in ....months.
I'm worried about spidey. Spidey we love you!

It's 5:30 am what do you expect? Melville?

miasmatic interlocutor of monosyllabic muck

2006-10-04T05:09:00.000-04:00

How long should you wait and hope
Should I wade still through mire, apathy, miasmatic interlocutor of monosyllabic muck?! I see so much more in you. Why are you afraid of that.
Shall I wait.

Are you afraid of me?
A strong person, beautiful, bold, innovative....
scared insecure and self-denegrating?

I'm afraid
I'm afraid for the future (no cliches please)
I know what I want
Will i get it? Who knows.

Talk of 'who I am' and 'motivation and isolation' of aversion.
I hate negative Ions.
I'd rather have molecules bonded and working together.
Positive ions....affirmation, celebration, passion, mission.
hope.

It's done. I wait.

whatever

2006-09-29T01:52:00.000-04:00

Fine, I give up are you happy now?

To the Jerk at Work

2006-09-10T13:30:00.000-04:00

To anyone who deals with the occasional (or constant) Jerk at Work....

The easiest thing would be
give in to jaded humanity
but you demand other

Not with your words which are subtlecuttingsly
Disguised with your overt disdain
Others I find greater pleasure of company with

you have threatened with your nasty words
others I don't know you have hurt with your flesh

but I will not crumple where I would have crumpled
I will not die and doubt where I would have agone days past
you can't beat me. It isn't a competition for I won't play.

Go on your way. I will not give to jaded humanity. But I will
proceed warily. For your tongue is cleaven and cloven and snaps
pepper sharp, your mind is like a steel trap, a pleasure to observe
shiny and pointed witticisms, ideas flash like light off the steel

But...I will not stick my limbs near that trap. You will not catch me.

Jerk at Work.

Labor Day...Cease your labors...cease your striving and rest

2006-09-05T23:11:00.000-04:00

God said. Rest.
Yesterday I met Matthew's family for the first time except his brothers who I am good friends with already. I have lived in PA for 3 months now and I have never felt so accepted and able to be silly and play and be myself since I've moved here. Period. His family welcomed me and were themselves, they played and sang and put on no masks (that I could tell). Thank you to them.
And thank you to God.
God said, cease your striving, rest and be.
I love it.

To the disturbed. Take heart. To the complacent....watch out

2006-08-28T00:06:00.000-04:00

"
Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.

We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.

attributed - sir francis drake -1577
"

boys

2006-08-14T21:18:00.000-04:00

sometimes I really hate boys

????

2006-08-07T02:52:00.000-04:00

Are you trying to make me get rid of you by acting like this?
Are you trying to tell me you don't want me anymore?

sigh

2006-06-04T15:01:00.000-04:00

This is great news....to bad they are 10 years to late.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060604/ap_on_he_me/kidney_cancer_drugs

The new plague

2006-06-04T02:56:00.000-04:00

Let me introduce you to the new plague.
Me.
Feels like everyone wants to avoid you. Especially the people you love the most.
Screw it.

endurance

2006-06-02T04:47:00.000-04:00

It's 4:45 am.
Love takes endurance.
That's what You said.
What else kept you on the cross.
Enduring Love.

How could I have otherwise
Father forgive me.

mosaic

2006-05-10T01:49:00.000-04:00

Just some pictures that make me smile from when I was a little girl or teenager.

Art-nership

2006-05-05T01:32:00.000-04:00

Where have you been?!
I have been making jewelry! And now my wonderful love and best friend of 6 years, Matt, has been designing with me and learning the trade. We have a wonderful 'art-nership' God bless him. He designed these earrings and we modified them together and I completed them the other day. They ARE for sale any inquiries just ask.

hmm...Imago Dei?

2006-03-22T02:53:00.000-05:00

image of God
born of God's breath
vessel of divine Love
after his likeness
dwelling of God
capacity for the infinite
eternally known
chosen of God
home of the Infinite Majesty
abiding in the Son
called from eternity
life in the Lord
temple of the Holy Spirit
branch of Christ
receptacle of the Most High
wellspring of Living Water
heir of the kingdom
the glory of God
abode of the Trinity.
God sings this litany
eternally in his Word.
This is who you are.

a litany of the person - anonymous trappist monk

foolish

2006-03-02T16:54:00.000-05:00

* I am going to China*

1 Corinthians 1:21 For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not come to know God, God was well-pleased through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe. (NASB)

* I am quitting a job with benefits to go to China because I believe I can be used there*

1 Corinthians 1:25 Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men. (NKJV)

* Why was I chosen by him? *

1 Corinthians 1:27 but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong.

Confound the world. That will be fun :)

NI HAO w00t!

2006-02-24T14:59:00.000-05:00

Ok everyone 7 years of prayers have come to fruit today.
At 2:32 pm February 24th, 2006 I was called by my ELIC representative, Melody Edwards and told.
I am going to teach English in China this summer for 3 months. June 23rd-August 7th.
I believe that the Lord told me to start praying for my students last Friday.
Abba you are GOOD!

a conjoined effort

2006-02-13T23:22:00.000-05:00

What happens when two crazy people IM poetry together line by line.

quillscroll (11:10:28 PM): writing poetry with aric...line by line
quillscroll (11:10:38 PM): ---poem 1---
quillscroll (11:10:46 PM): Wine or thee....why not both?
unreceivedpacket (11:10:59 PM): Was whoever went westward a wayfarer?
quillscroll (11:11:29 PM): Aye and that wayfarer a stranger be...now wine or thee...why not both.
unreceivedpacket (11:12:04 PM): Both, whiles wells drip erstwhile with blood and water.
quillscroll (11:12:43 PM): Ah! Says I as we quaff...thee and I on wine! A death a pois'ned water well.
unreceivedpacket (11:13:01 PM): A treacle well, maybe
quillscroll (11:13:48 PM): Aye and yon wayfarer...yet a stranger galumping west a pace a pace...as we tip sy the wine thee and I....was it he?
unreceivedpacket (11:14:23 PM): He left for left, and went south this summer.
quillscroll (11:15:00 PM): Did he have some wine some wine? Did he tip his glass and say Aye.....tonight is a good day for some of this treacle well to die?
unreceivedpacket (11:15:20 PM): Nein!
quillscroll (11:18:48 PM): Nein! So...I say...thee and I let us drink some more...oh wait...no more wine. Hic
quillscroll (11:18:54 PM):
--fin---

Indeed. Good times. Good times.

2006-02-09T03:37:00.000-05:00

First Foray into the world of real jewelry making

2006-01-16T03:33:00.000-05:00

Artistas

2005-12-28T20:18:00.000-05:00

Magpie (Kristen) and I started our own gallery online you can watch the unfolding of our artistic selves (at least the ones we share) by linking to the photobucket link:
http://photobucket.com/albums/v498/giglamps/
enjoy!

Flowers n' Bunnies

2005-10-20T13:48:00.000-04:00

useless days

2005-10-12T10:49:00.001-04:00

I am having several of those useless days. The days where you feel like you contribute nothing of any substance no matter how hard you try to a specific organization. That no matter what you do it isn't good enough or because of who you were you are no longer 'good' enough. Yeah, it may be a lie. It may not be the truth. But there are some days where you know you can work your ass off and you know in the end it doesn't matter. Nobody gives a damn and they are too worried about how it all looks instead of the heart behind it. It's all about results in the end anyway.

Dammit anyway.

sigh

2005-08-17T16:53:00.000-04:00

Shifra

2005-07-31T21:11:00.000-04:00

It is funny how it can take a cat to remind of certain things in life. I got a tri-color calico kitten this week and named her Shifra. Shifra is hebrew for "grace and beauty". It describes my little friend well. She is both beautiful and graceful (thinking wincingly of the cat learning to jump off the bed and falling off while chasing toys....and running her head into the wall then getting stuck headfirst between the wall and the bed crack. She got herself righted but it was funny). The cats I grew up with lived to be 18 and 19 years old. I haven't had kittens since and I've missed them. Their playfulness, their stubborness, and their ability to just cuddle up to you and love you. Science says that petting animals dogs and cats, can lower blood pressure and make you happier. I have to agree with that. I have just wanted to love on Shifra ever since I got her. She is a blessing and makes me remember not to take myself so seriously. Gives me small things to laugh about constantly.

...where are you?

2005-07-14T00:00:00.000-04:00

"Eloi, Eloi lama sabachthani?"

shock interrupts the rebuttal

2005-07-07T08:53:00.000-04:00

I just found out London was bombed.

3 subways and a double-decker bus. People hurt and killed. Many people.
I am shocked and horrified. London? I never, in this lifetime, thought I would live to see something like this. London of the cosmopolitan life. London...where I was last summer and rode those subways in perfect safety but for worrying about muggers or strange looking types in the station. Even then.

Still safe.

What a wicked world we've come too and I've been as much a part of it as the next.
We need His redemption and His peace.

Liturgy of the Mind: The Lonely Proposition

2005-07-06T11:27:00.000-04:00

It's a lonely proposition.

When these know what your besetting sin has been.

It's a lonely proposition.

To wonder who else knows and to wander in paranoia during interactions with these people.

It's a lonely proposition.

To wonder who will accept you and reject you based on this even after being forgiven by God.

It's a lonely proposition.

When Hashatan proposes lies that you are not fit for any sort of ministry especially not this kind or that kind (perish the thought) or in your own house of worship.

Just because of the lonely proposition.

Rebuttal to follow.

A Dream of Truth

2005-06-10T11:23:00.000-04:00

Old Lady Truth
is no longer comely to those afraid of her or hiding from her
and trying to hide benind flimsy greasy paper...to let in the filtered light.

Old lady truth gets up in your face and stands over you until
your chair flips over backward from the table and she snatches
away the flimsy greasy paper you
tried to briefly hide behind

Lady truth was once sought after
and thought the beautiful, if hard ideal
Now she has become to the masses, the insistent old
crone nagging and screaming in our faces to those who are afraid of her...and they run away, and the truth becomes a robe of a lie growing more and more horrifying that their minds think is worse and worse then it really is...and this harpie shadow robe of rags clothes truth disguising her and keeps her (Truth) from coming in,

But to those who pursue her to rip off the rags of the harpy shreaking in their faces and are still afraid she reveals herself gently or bluntly but she does not kill, plain or horrifying but beautiful in the end.
Even through the once known fear. And we rejoice in the end in the full light of again of Truth.

copyright 2005 Andrea Hollander.

Farmer John: Potatoes and pushups

2005-06-08T16:20:00.000-04:00

You would think being 26 years old I would have enough sense to eat enough food to keep my body chemistry stable when I know that can affect my emotional outlook. You would think as old as I am I would know enough not to stay up until 2 and 3 am and still expect to be chipper and content and not be asleep between calls, no doubt drooling into my keyboard and amusing the onlookers in other cubes. You would think I would have enough sense at my age to exercise regularly. Well welcome to the midlands. I am neither anymore very young twenties nor am I yet bolting up the hill toward middle age. It has become a novel experience to see at various times, friends near or over my own age (and now myself) treating ourselves like we are still college freshmen staying up all night and playing tag at 3 am (Christina)(phone or otherwise) on a work night (school night), eating junk or not eating enough in my case to get by, and proud of ourselves if we even think of exercise. HA. Again I say HA. Well so be it then. Self-discipline is good at any age, but the gradual and sudden realization of gravity and your shift within it emotional,spiritual, and physical!) and reality on your body at the later twenties and on is also a not so gentle reminder that speeds up the older you get that if you don't take care of yourself you will reap what you sow. Just call me Farmer John.
Well gotta go plant some potatoes and pushups. Til next time barnyard buddies!

When Life Hands you Screws

2005-06-04T01:12:00.000-04:00

who needs lemons and lemonade. When life hands you screws you better hope you have a screwdriver. When people open their mouths and say things that they probably oughn't (I'm not disincluded from this) to other people that shouldn't know certain things hearts can get screwed. Tis a lonely proposition not caring what others think. But twice I was told that tonight by two different people in two different states that I shouldn't care what people think so much. Times like these make me want to go be completely isolated from the rest of humanity....for the rest of my life, or do I care. if you pray for me pray against bitterness toward people, and fear of what others will think, and the courage to bloom where I am planted.
As the bible says, "I am pressed but not crushed persecuted but not abandoned struck down but not destroyed, I am blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure. His joy is going to be my strength. And though the sorrow may last for the night, HIS JOY COMES WITH THE MORNING." Amen
And Amen.

brain melt

2005-06-02T22:38:00.000-04:00

Staying up until 2 am can be quite entertaining. Staying up until 2 am when you have detailed work to do the next day can be stupid. Stupid but entertaining.
I watched Dr. Dolittle tonight and ate Taco Bell. I did nothing. I accomplished nothing. Or did I . Vegging out isn't such a bad thing.
Have the opportunity to start playing clarinet with a friend who plays piano, at a coffee house in Zionsville soon. Will be looking forward to that. We are going to try some Klezmer music. My friend's reply was "What is Klezmer music" Oy Gevalt we have some work to do. Think Fiddler on the Roof meets Dixieland and Chicago Blues, all piled together in a cart drawn by Teyve the milkman and a mini me version of Leonard Bernstein to Israel while a Yenta gives Yidderskeit lessons in dance, music, and oy. That's Klezmer. It's pure earthly joy of life distilled into music. By the way, to any who read these posts, comments are always always welcome...liked... etc. hint hint.
Thinking of joining the Star Wars combine

I must have a laugh at this. I wonder how much free time I actually think I have for things like this. It looks fun, but possibly cumbersome. Ah well let's see how much patience Andrea actually has.
Heck it's 9:45 pm what do you expect? Hemingway? Fitzgerald? I can barely manage See Jane Run right now. Nu? Whaddya waitin for go practice your yiddish or your hora or listen to some Klezmer. Better yet , call yer mother .

lenses and dichotomies: a brief observance

2005-05-31T12:36:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I spent some time at my friend's house after a really fun Memorial Day picnic with Ahavat Yeshua : our Messianic Synagogue at Broad Ripple park. Played football, ate some good food, and walked alot, talked alot. What a fun day. Then we went to his home and hung out with his family, looked at pictures of England, and did some bible study later that night. While we were talking he (who is obsessed with the Indy 500) was talking about ideals and lenses. It got me thinking. What type of lenses do we view our faith through to understand? The Bible says we see through a glass darkly now. What if that glass are the lenses we view life through? For my friend we think it might be the way the 500 vs. Nascar to him epitomizes and symbolizes that which is good and that which is evil on even a metaphysical level (takes alot more explanation than I have patience to explain). But it could be true. None of us, save Yeshua, can view with all purity and objectivity the world. Can a Creator be truly objective about his own creation? A heretical question? Who knows. Much rumination lately on all kinds of topics. What lenses am I using? Are they cracked? I remember The Lens of Truth magnifying glass from The Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time. When you looked at something through it it showed you as it really was not the illusion in front of it. Will the Lord, if we ask, show us the truth and repair our cracked lenses? I am pretty sure He does if we ask Him for truth in love that he will give it to us.