Monday, August 25, 2008

Crazy Loon

I'm Joshua Abraham Norton, the first and only Emperor of the United States of America!
Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

again

I can't do anything.
I can't hammer solder flat without hammering my finger
I can't make my budget work even though I have enough money because the due dates of all my bills. On top of that oil is going up to 396/month. I pay half of that plus rent.
I can't make a bezel stick.
I can't do anything right.
I swear I want to give up.
I don't give a flying flip anymore.

Friday, August 15, 2008

day 2 the energy automaton will she sleep tonight?

I feel like an energy automaton. Getting things done but very apathetic.
Day 2 of taking the strattera at 6 pm. I still feel pretty apathetic although I am

utilizing my energy and getting massive amounts of things done.
Today I nearly finished and started making janet's pendant which is something I've

never done in one day before or even 2 for that matter. I made a scratch Maryland

gingerbread cake. and I didn't get on the computer at all after I got home from work. I

did play some Wii. But it was intermittent. What I've come to notice is that the I feel

90% better as far as energy and the really bad depression is concerned. However, while

I am getting many things done I'm still having to really PUSH to make myself do it. I

still feel very apathetic about what I'm doing. The best way to describe it is I'm no

longer taking any joy in the processes of things and the wonder of the fact that I can

actually get it done like I was before. EVERYTHING feels like work now and drudgery. I

don't feel that enjoyment in the process of doing ANYTHING. The only thing I can stand

doing that I take enjoyment in the process of is reading for pleasure. I come to

understand that part of the great pleasure I got in making jewelry in the first place

was the pride in not just the finished product...but the making of it....being able to

say I DO have these skills and that sets me apart from many other people making me

special in a certain way. Now I don't care. I had to force myself to finish as far as I

got tonight. I just don't care. The joy in the journey is gone for me and for me, it's

ALL about the process of GETTING there not the ends. The end product is just a nice

byproduct of all the fun you had getting there. But I can't feel that right now. Not in

anything except reading which is pretty much an immediate gratifier since the process

is the means to the end in itself.

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Sunday, August 10, 2008

Out of a twisted whirlwind

I had a dream about a friend of mine last night. I never stopped loving her and she's always been one of my best friends as close as a sister to me. Several years ago she stopped writing or communicating with me until I emailed her one day and received back a one line note reading "LEAVE ME ALONE!" With no warning, this hit me in the gut. Fast forward to now. Last night I have a dream about this girl and it was a joyful dream. She came to say she had forgiven me (for what? who knows I don't even know as I did anything wrong actually) and we were friends and she had come to visit me. Obviously a great dream. I woke up incredibly disappointed she wasn't really there and haven't been able to get the thought out of my head. Fast forward to about 30 minutes ago. I started talking to my boyfriend about the situation as we were laying around he was half asleep I was thinking 40 million miles a minute as usual. I started telling him about this and I began weeping uncontrollably with the depth of hurt and anger this woman put me through until I realized....it wasn't just about her. It was also about a woman who left me when I was 17 years old. A woman who I repeatedly began sub-vocally screaming "I HATE YOU FOR LEAVING ME I HATE YOU TOO! She must have hated me so much for leaving...." What a monster? Her or me? It was my mother I was talking about who died of cancer when I was a senior in high school. Will I EVER be done with this shit? huh?!